everyone needs love.. even pau pau <3

Sunday, October 31, 2010

wooohooooooooo! 3:54 PM

yeah! it came it came!

so bear bear and i were super relieved..

i didnt really wanna keep him worried too..

coz he is having alot of tests now..

so..

its kinda goooood..

haiz.. though period sux..

but.. wad to do..

went jogging this morning..

though i really sux and ran a super short distance jiu give up liao..

but marcus and marvin are super sweeet!

they accompanied me walked...

a LONG distance..

hehehe..

but.. well..

though we felt healthy after the run..

we..

ate mac for breakfast afterwards.. and that is like..

super unhealthy?

hahahaha...

but..

wad to do..

i had cravings (AS USUAL)

and for the stickers..

heheh..

i dunno why i got so much cravings...

hahaha..

i wont have this kinda cravings for clothes or shoes..

or bags..

hahahaha..

unless..

it comes to a point when i felt i had really nth to wear..

LOL..

anyway..

wilson's bdae celebration on friday was a disaster..

felt like crying the moment i met them..

haiz..

i guess i overestimated myself..

facing tiffany was even harder than facing jessin..

jessin is always angry at me..

so i am used to her mean ways..

but now that tiffany is like that..

i felt really hurt..

she is the one..

i was so close with from secondary sch!

haiz.. everything changed when she got to know jessin..

i gave up my chance to go to junior college to be able to study in the same course as her..

i gave up my opportunity to continue being in the same class as huiting, kianyan, benji, junwei..

and many more..

though in the end we didnt manage to get into the same course..

but we were still quite close..

haiz..

THINGS CHANGE..

we didnt talked to each other on friday..

kept a distance..

purposely sat at oppposite ends on the dining table...

didnt talk..

when..

i was about to alight the train..

i said bye to everyone..

she didnt even say BYE..

she just kept her head down..

dun even wanna look in my direction den took out her phone and started texting...

why did things become like that..

i had a dream about her..

i dreamt that..

she is different from jessin..

she is still willingly to talk to me nicely..

and.. talk things out..

but obviously..

dreams are the opposite of reality..

now.. sometimes when i see certain status of theirs on fb..

i will feeel that the mean thing they are talking about is referring to me..

or when i hear them talking to their friends..

i will link it to me and feel they are shooting me..

i am getting paranoid..

i am really worried..

i dun wanna to go back to the old me..

the super paranoid one..

the alcoholic one..

the emo one..

the one that hides in the blanket and cry secretly..

the one dont feel like answering any calls..

not replying any texts...

not meeting anyone..

just wanna be alone..

everyday think of dying..

i dun wanna be like that again..

i dun wan to make some pple worry for me..

though i am no longer sure who will be worried for me..

but i guess bear bear would ba..

you know..

i used to laugh damn hard..

be damn crazy..

be damn noisy..

to hide all those stuff i am feeling inside..

becoz..

i dun want my friends' mood to be affected by me..

just becoz i am emo..

doesnt means i have to make others emo tooo..

it came to a point now...

that i no longer know..

i am laughing coz i am really happy..

or..

i am just laughing just for the sake of laughing..

but i remember..

i used to tell one of them..

only one of my friend honestly..

although i dunno whether i am really laughing truthfully anot..

but.. i am very sure..

when i am exceptionally super crazy..

and do super crazy things..

i am actually trying super hard to hide that i am feeling sad..

so sometimes.. when i am that crazy..

my friend feels sad for me..

after this continues for some time...

i am actually goood at..

pretending nothing as happpened..

block out things i dun wanna remember..

as long as i dun see or hear those stuffs that will trigger my memory of the unhappy stuff...

i am scared..

i can feel it..

the old me..

is coming back..

haiz..

cant really stop it..

really tired..

mentally..

physically..

exhausted..

just wanna close my eyes and sleep forever..

i am lucky that i still have bear bear to be there for me..

if not..

i bet..

now..

i dun even know how to talk to pple..

wont know wad to say..

dun feel like saying anything..

the quietest ying ever..

this is a great weekend!

i feel..

this sad burden that has been wearing me out..

was lifted off my shoulder for a moment..

maybe..

on monday..

everything will fall back on my shoulder..

but i am glad i had this break..

chef kok called me ytd..

he invited me to his baby's full month celebration..

no doubt..

invited jessin and tiffany tooo...

haiz..

i really dunno if i can survive that..

worried.....

THANKS BEAR BEAR for being here.............

just as i am typing this post..

i cant stop the tears from welling up in my eyes..

haiz..